My Uterus is 45 Weeks Pregnant

…according to my OB’s tape measure. I’m only 37 weeks pregnant. So…

I dedicate this song to myself, just because of the last verse:

I, too, am losing my mind. I’ve retained so much water that my abdominal muscles are threatening to rupture.

For some reason, my mom finds that last video incredibly offensive.

I can’t even stand to do dishes anymore, because if my belly touches the counter it’s like a million electric needles being curb stomped into my skin by a sadistic acupuncturist. Speaking of doing dishes…haven’t done them in a week. My kitchen smells like:

My husband assures me that it’s just my supersonic sense of smell, and that nothing in our house smells that bad. Not even our own – actual – shit. I sense that he’s just trying to keep me (and thus, himself) from coming to this:

My fingers look like this (and I apologize in advance for this one):

And my calves and ankles have fused together into this:

If I make it to the 22nd, which is when I have my C section scheduled, I will have escaped pregnancy with at least one (very important) part of my body not annihilated by the process of doing this:

And, in case that wasn’t explicit enough, this is why I want the C section:

One thought on “My Uterus is 45 Weeks Pregnant

  1. You are having twins so you get to complain twice as much, and twice as loudly, as those of us that went solo. Just remind the husband that he had better be twice as nice to you afterwards too…OR ELSE….

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