Batman Is, Apparently…(SPOILER ALERT)


…the new MacBeth.

Alfred:  Be careful, Mr. Wayne.  This young woman is about to ruin the film for anyone who hasn’t seen it yet, and actually gives a furry flying rat’s ass about it.

Batman:  Thank you, Alfred.  I’ll put her on my list of people to allow to be made collateral damage while fighting my next super-villain.  Who, in the town where she lives, is probably named something like “Captain Meth Head.”

Both, in unison:  Ah ha ha ha ha ha.

Alfred: (placing his gnarled, white gloved, old man claw lightly upon the caped crusader’s firm and supple, lycra-covered left buttock, whispers) I love you, Mr. Wayne.

Batman:  (stiffening…no, not in that way.  Perverts) Hey…did you just make a…did you just make a joke about…

Alfred: (not removing hand) About bats being nothing more than carriers of disease infested fleas, and who have been merely the lucky recipients of the evolutionary gift of flight, Mr. Wayne?

Batman:  (brows knitting slowly together beneath the molded neoprene brows of his pointy-ass mask, drawing out the word) Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhh….

Alfred:  I did, sir.

Batman:  (spinning around to sucker punch Alfred in his saggy, liver-spotted bicep) That’s for the bats.  (Roundhouse kicks Alfred to the inside of his right thigh) And that’s for grabbing my ass.  Y’old pervert.  (Stalks away into the darkness of the bat cave, cape trailing in the eerie moonlight glow that somehow penetrates a fucking cave).  Oh, and Alfred?

Alfred:  (doubled over wheezing) Yes, Mr. Wayne?

Batman:  Bring me up some Oreos and a caramel latte after I’ve had time to slip into the bubble bath, would you?Alfred:  My pleasure, Mr. Wayne.

I just…I have no idea why I just did that.  I can just be really tangential sometimes.  Anyway…

I was saying that Batman is the new Macbeth.  And I know that I’m using humor here and that there’s nothing funny about what happened in Colorado but…seriously?  Does anyone else see the connection?  This film is just basically ruined for everyone now.  Batman will always be regarded, from this day forward, as the epic film of the year that just fell flat on its face in front of the whole school at the Senior Prom.

Not only did Letterman ruin it for everyone, but now it will always be remembered as the movie that was the backdrop for a random act of terrible and senseless violence.  So:  (a) Batman will forever be associated with bad things happening to people and (b) no one is going to want to say the word “Batman” ever again.  Yep.  I’m still definitely drawing a parallel between Batman and MacBeth.  Just sayin’.

Sucks, dudes.

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